Lexi's Legacy of Love

Its hard to wrap my mind around the fact that it was two years ago that I got that life shattering phone call.  Lexi's memory has just become a part of our lives now, like she's always been in that spot of our souls.  We have all found our own ways of continuing to live our lives, but they are not the same lives we had before she came.  I see things differently now.  I think about the things I say to people differently now.  Its like you are a part of a club that nobody wants to be in.  We've experienced something so horrific that nobody wants to talk about it.  Nobody wants to believe that it can happen. 

Almost all of my girlfriends are currently pregnant.  I'm ecstatic for them.  But I'm tarnished now.  I know firsthand that things don't always go the way you plan and it terrifies me.  I don't want to watch another person I love go through that.  Waiting in that hospital while Em gave birth to Lexi, knowing that she was already gone just about broke me. 

Its amazing to me that two years later whenever most of the time I'm ok - it can hit me in the oddest moment.  It will just floor me with an overwhelming sense of disbelief.  I just go right back to that day and that feeling of being helpless.  Not being able to do ANYTHING to change the situation that was playing out in front of me.

So today - I ask you all to LOVE.  Love in memory of Lexi.  Love your family.  Love your kids.  Just hold everyone a little closer because today that is something you can do.  Loving the people in your life is something that you can control. 

Surviving the first year

Its been one year since Lexi. 

July 12th, 2014 will be a day that my family will never forget.

To say that Lexi left her mark on the world is an understatement.  She never had the chance to open her eyes and see what all this world had to offer - but she had the power to change it. 

Lexi made everyone stop and decide what is important in this life.  Lexi made us all come to terms with the fact that we can't control everything, no matter how hard we try.  Lexi made us all hold each other a little tighter.  Lexi made each of us a better person. 

Emily and Gerald have survived the first year.  They survived the holidays that were supposed to be their first with Lexi.  They survived another pregnancy and got to bring little Carter home.  They are lots of things, wonderful parents, amazing Aunt & Uncle, hard workers, thoughtful and they are survivors. 

Lexi will never be forgotten, but we have all learned to live our new lives where she has her own special place. 

5 Things Friday - Charities

Tis the season for giving! 

If you are someone who is financially able and looking for a charity to give to this year, let me share with you the top 5 charities I believe in donating to:

1.  Alzheimer's Awareness/Cures

My Grandma died of Alzheimer's.  A guy I work with and adore lost the love of his life to Alzheimer's.  Its a horrible disease.  It terrifies me that there is a chance of my mom ending up with it.  There is a chance I will end up with it.  The movie The Notebook brought some awareness, but its really just one of those things people don't talk about and unless you have watched a family member die from it, you really don't understand the devastation. 

Seth Rogan (who I LOVE) heads a charity called Hilarity for Charity.  His mother-in-law has Alzheimer's.  He wrote a really good essay for Glamour Magazine you can read here:
Glamour Essay

And you can donate here:
www.hilarityforcharity.org

Or donate to the Alzheimer's Association here:
www.alz.org

2.  SIDS Prevention

I have written a lot about my friend Amanda losing her daughter Cassie.  It was such a horrific event that has forever changed my life.  Amanda works hard at educating other parents so that they never have to go through what her and Justin did.  Every year we participate in the Breath of Life Stroll by Cribs for Kids in Cassie's honor. 

You can donate directly to Cribs for Kids in Cassie's honor here:
www.cribsforkids.org/wings-for-cassie

3.  Remembrance Photography

The day that Em and Gerald lost Lexi none of us were thinking straight.  The hospital asked if they would be ok having someone come in and take photos of Lexi for Em and Gerald to have.  What a blessing.  These are photos that will be treasured always.  The organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep is amazing.  At no cost to the parent, they come in and take professional photographs.

You can donate to them here:
www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org

4.  St. Jude

I don't know anyone personally who has benefitted from St. Jude Children's Hospital but its always been an organization I believed in.  How awful would it be to have your child sick and not be able to get them the medical care that they need.  

Donate to St. Jude here:
www.stjude.org

5.  Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh

I wish I could say that I never spent any time at Children's, but I have.  I have had Lyla there, Cassie was there, Hendrick was there....  Its a place you hope you never need, but when you do need them you are so glad that they are there.  The staff at Children's is the best and the details of everything in that hospital is remarkable.  It is so kid friendly.  A sick kid is still a kid and things that are scary to adults are even more scary to them.  Children's has made it a safe place.  From the colorful hallways to the toys and iPads.  Donations here go a long way.

Donate to Children's Hospital here:
www.givetochildrens.org

5 Things Friday - Facts About Stillbirth

After losing Lexi we have all learned a lot we never knew before.  From talking to different people, it feels like everyone you talk to knows someone who went through something similar.  Em has been doing a lot of research and I asked her to contribute and share with me 5 facts she has learned that she thinks others should know:

1.  1 out of every 150 births end with stillborn.

2.  1 out of every 4 cases of stillborn never have a diagnosed cause.

3.  Average couples get pregnant again within 5 months to a year after a stillbirth. 

4.  Most pregnancies after stillbirth lead to healthy babies.

5.  There is a higher rate of stillbirths in this country than SIDS but less talked about.

Lets try and do something about #5.  I don't want it to be less talked about.  I think it makes you feel so alone when it happens to you.  You feel like you are the only one who has ever been through something like this and its comforting to know that you aren't. 

As you all know, I am very adamant about SIDS and SUID awareness after we lost Cassie.  Now I feel adamant about Stillbirth awareness.  I just want everyone to know that they are not alone. 

Saying Goodbye to Lexi

Two weeks ago we had Lexi's funeral.  A day you never think you will have to experience, a funeral for your niece.   A day I haven't felt ready to share until now. 

Em and Gerald asked everyone to wear some color to celebrate the fact that Lexi is a little girl.  Gerald got a pink tie, Em got a pink sweater.  I wore a purple dress and Gary wore a purple shirt.  All for our sweet Lexi. 

Em and Gerald first went to the funeral home to have some private time with her.  Then they all came to the church where we had a small service.  Gary and I stood and Gary read the blog I had written.  Jacinda and Luke got up and read.  Then the preacher read a letter that Em and Gerald had wrote to Lexi.  Below is a copy of what they wrote:

To our precious Lexi Mae,

It saddens us to have to write this letter to you, not to be able to tell you face to face.  While we only knew you for a short time we cannot begin to tell you how many plans and wishes we had for you.  We did not know that you were our daughter until the very end.  We chose to be surprised.  We did know however that if we were blessed with a girl how spoiled and loved you would be. 

As your mother I would have made sure that you knew the special relationship that only a mother and daughter could have.  I would have taught you to always stand up for what you feel is right and not to let anyone try and change your mind.  Being bull headed is not always a bad thing.  I would have taught you that it’s ok to want to ride quads and play in the dirt and then come inside and play dress-up.  I would have made sure that you had a new outfit for every occasion no matter how small.  I would have offered you all the advice and wisdom that was passed down to me from my mom, as well as what I have managed to learn on my own.  I would have tried to persuade you that Kenny Chesney is the greatest singer ever and together we could have driven your dad nuts singing his songs all the time.   I would have passed down my wedding dress and allowed you to tell me how out of style it is.  I would have taught you how important a work ethic is and how rewarding it can be to know that you can support and take care of yourself.  I would have also made sure that you know how you deserved to be treated and never to settle for anything less.  I would have wished you would find a man to treat you just as you dad treats me.  I would have wanted you to feel the same love and respect that I have been lucky enough the find.  You will always be my precious baby girl and I can’t begin to tell how sad it makes me to know that I will never have the opportunity to teach these things and so many others. 

As your father, I honestly didn’t know what to expect. I do know that after holding you in my arms I would have done anything for you and yes, just like your mother says we would have been poor, I would have bought anything in the world for my baby girl. I would have bought you flowers for every occasion and some just because. You would have had the coolest car or the biggest truck or even both if you wanted. We would have rode quads together, even if your mother objected, you would have been able to out ride all of the boys. We could have went hunting together, at least until you got to be too cool to hang out with me. You are beautiful like your mother so I know I would have had some conversations with some boys. And Kenny isn’t so bad, I would have loved to hear you and your mom sing together.  I would have taught you the value of an education if you decided that’s what you wanted.  I would have shown how rewarding it can be to work hard.  I would have taught you to not live in fear and not be afraid to play hard, even though your mother would have said otherwise.  I would have wanted you to always strive to live for the day.  I will miss you every day.

We are aware that we as your parents are not the only ones who are grieving you.  We have wonderful people both friends and family in our lives that would have shown you more love than you will ever know.  You have grandparents who would have spoiled you with love and gifts even if we objected.  You have aunts and uncles that would have taught you everything that we hoped you wouldn’t learn, and they would have bought you things like camo hip waders and taught you that the big city isn’t so bad.  You have a cousin who would have passed down all her stuff and taught you how to wrap grandma and pap around your finger.   You have a puppy that would have protected you from anything and ate all the food that you didn’t like unless it’s a vegetable.  He had already picked his spot to sleep right in front of your crib.  There are numerous other people that would have been involved in your life.  We wish they all had a chance to see how beautiful you were.

In the time that we have come to know you, you have taught us so much.  It's an awesome thought to us that you've fulfilled your life's purpose in such a short time.   You have taught us to not take life for granted, to not sweat the small things.  You have helped make us realize what a gift everyday can be.  Before you were born we were never really sure that we would be the parenting types, however after holding you in our arms and feeling the love that can only be felt for a child we know that we would have been good parents and will always hold you in our hearts.

Lexi, we want you to know that you will never be forgotten.  We will continue to celebrate you as long as we are here on Earth.  We are at peace knowing that in spirit you will always be with us.  It will continue to pain us every day that we cannot hold you in our arms, but we will get through it knowing that someday we will be with you again.

We love you with all our hearts,

Mom and Dad

After the service was over we all went to the cemetery.  Em and Gerald picked a beautiful spot for her.  Its right beside the pond. 

Em saved some flowers from the arrangements and dried them and added them to an amazing wall that she has made at her house to remember Lexi.  Because that is our number one priority now - to never let her be forgotten. 

None of us are the same people we were a month ago.  Tomorrow is the last day of July.  When I think of everything that has changed in my world in the last month its just mind boggling.  None of us are the same and that is ok.  Lexi happened.  There is no denying that or pretending like she didn't.  She is just as important to us today as she was a month ago - before we knew what would happen to her.  Just because we lost her doesn't mean we love her any less.  She is still a part of our family and she always will be.  We love you Lexi.

 

Alexa Mae

Not all fairytales have a happy ending.

Em's water broke Friday night and her and Gerald headed to the hospital.  When they got there the doctors couldn't find the baby's heartbeat and that is the moment that our lives all changed...

Em went on to deliver a beautiful baby girl at 7:06 Saturday morning.  She was 7 pounds 8 ounces.  She had lots of dark hair like her daddy.  Alexa Mae "Lexi" was perfect. 

Its amazing how life can change so fast.  In an instant Em and Gerald went from going into labor to planning a funeral.  No parent should ever have to bury a child.  Its just not how the world is supposed to work, but sometimes things just don't go as planned, no matter what we do.

My "little" sister is the strongest woman I have ever met.  I have so much admiration for her and the strength she has shown through all of this.  To know that you have already lost your baby and then to have to deliver is something that no one should ever have to experience.  But she did it.  And I believe in her.  I believe that she is going to take this horrific tragedy and turn it into something positive. 

And Gerald.... I know that my sister will always be taken care of as long as he is around.  Gerald would move mountains if she asked him to.  And I know that it breaks his heart that he couldn't fix this for her.  I would have loved watching him raise Lexi, you know she would have had him wrapped around her finger.  Em may have been upstaged. 

This is what breaks my heart and keeps me up at night.  All the things we will never know.  Lyla acts just like Em, to the point I call them by each others names quite often.  I wonder - would Lexi have acted like me?  Would she have been the little country girl in cowboy boots and camo?  Or would she have been the totally girly girl who hated going outside?  We won't ever have the answers.

To put it simply - it sucks.  Its just blah.  Its not fair, it isn't right and if there were any way in this world for me to change it I would. 

Saturday was a terrible day and a beautiful day all at the same time.  I'm thankful I was there and that I got to hold my niece, even if it was so briefly.  I hate that she was taken away from us before we had the chance to know who she could have become. 

Alexa Mae has changed this world and I will live the rest of my life making sure that she isn't ever forgotten.